Rabies in the Snow
Feb. 18th, 2015 04:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katleeptTitle: Rabies in the Snow
Author: Kat Lee
Fandoms: Avengers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel Comics, Real Life, ReBoot, Rise of the Guardians/Fairy Tales, Tail Spin, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Character/Pairing: Faith/Rocket, Deadpool, Matrix(/AndrAla), Jack Frost, Shere Khan, Casey Jones, Phil, and a surprise character
Rating: R/M
Challenge:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
tamingthemuse: #448: Rabies
Warning(s): Language, Character Death, Cross-species Sexual Content, CRACK!FIC
Word Count: 1,645
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.
His fur has been standing on end since the moment he arrived when he sees her come up to join their growing group. The young woman is clad in black leather that is as tight as a second skin on her. Several of the other men whistle. The man who appears to be almost as unusual as himself, some kind of mutated tiger/human hybrid, unsheathes his claws and watches them gleam in the afternoon sunlight.
The sun feels good on Rocket's small, furry body, but he knows what would feel far better. He shoots the woman his most charming grin, baring his teeth and letting his black and white fur puff. "Who are you, sweetcakes?"
"I'm your worst nightmare," the girl growls back at him, "raccoon." Her dark eyes turn to the old woman who has gathered them all to this place. "I work alone. I don't need these bozos."
"I AM NOT A RACCOON!" Rocket seethes and starts to pull his weapon.
"That's good," a big, green-skinned man retorts, "because we certainly don't need you. When do we get to the meat of this problem? Just show me the little sucker who's freezing the 'Net, and I'll blast him." One of his eyes gleams dangerously, finally taking Rocket's attention away from frying the hot, little chick. The raccoon grins; it's gotta be nice to have a gun for an eye!
"Patience, patience, dearies. This is going to take all of you."
"I'm not sharing my pay."
The tiger man looks condescendingly down upon the skinny human dressed in a black and red uniform. "I scarcely need any additional funds, or these civilians to assist me. I must agree with the others: Show us the problem, and it will be dealt with swiftly," he flexes his claws, "and fatally."
Another human being tosses his baseball bat hard up and down against the palm of his other hand. "Yeah. We're not here for a meet and greet or to see whose balls are the biggest." He flashes a grin at the others. "Which mine are, of course."
"I can cut anybody's balls," the girl snorts.
"I'd like to see you try," the tiger counters. The girl heads for him, but the old woman hops down between them with surprising speed and agility. Both pull back slightly and look her up and down again. For a moment, Rocket and Enzo Matrix, the green guy from the 'Net, both zero their guns in on her.
She laughs and plays her role innocently enough. "There's no need to be angry with each other. I just wanted to make sure this was done right. After all, so many people are dying from this year's Winter storms."
"Show us the perp, and it'll all be over with."
The old woman smiles. "Yes, yes. Well, he's in that hole right over there . . . " The group of killers looks to where she points.
"Over there?" the dark-haired girl asks. Her Slayer instincts are screaming at her now that this is a trap.
"Yes. Right by the tree."
The raccoon holding a gun ten times his size hops down beside her. He doesn't even appear to notice that he just as swiftly sinks into snow up to his knees. "What? You getting cold feet, baby?"
"I'll give you cold feet," Faith smirks and promptly kicks Rocket in the ass.
His gun fires as he flies through the air. He lands on his paws right outside the hole at the base of the tree that's splitting into two. It starts to fall on top of him, but Matrix shoots it away with a laser beam from his eye.
The brunette notices with approval. "Name's Faith. What's yours, big guy?"
"I have a woman back home who would flay you in a nano."
"Doubt it. Nobody flays a Slayer, and ya gotta have Faith for a mission like this." She darts forward through the snow. Matrix, Casey Jones, and Deadpool follow, but Shere Khan hangs back. He sniffs the freezing air, musing to himself that this all seems like too much trouble for one small groundhog. Still, he, just like the others, has grown weary of the constantly freezing weather, and so, eventually, he, too, follows.
Behind them, the old woman's lips twist up into a sinister smile. She almost laughs when Deadpool throws a bomb into the groundhog's hole.
The little animal rolls out of his hole just before it explodes. "Thought you said he'd be asleep," Faith remarks. She dives in with her stake, but he rolls out from under her weapon just in time.
"What? You can't take a male who's awake?" Rocket throws at the girl.
"Keep your rabies to yourself, raccoon, before I kick you in the ass again."
His gun swings at her rather than the groundhog. She flips as he fires and lands smoothly behind Shere Khan. "Eep!" Deadpool squeaks and starts to run while throwing more bombs, but Rocket's shot shatters him. His bombs explode all around them, but Matrix still stands as Rocket, Shere Khan, Faith, and Casey Jones all tumble to the ground. They start to rise back up, but he's already got his gun eye trained on the small animal who's shaking from quivering nose to little, round tail.
"Hey, guys," Casey Jones starts, "maybe this was a mistake. I know some turtles who -- "
"Is -- Is -- Is this all about the Winter?" Phil, the groundhog, interrupts the once-famous sports player to ask.
"YES!" his attackers thunder together.
"Fine! Fine!" Phil throws up his little paws. "Just . . . Just don't shoot! JACK FROST," he yells, "OUR DEAL IS OVER!"
"You know you only had to call me if you were in trouble."
"I know! I know!" Phil squeaks. "Just . . . Just make Winter go away! Make these people go away!"
"Don't shoot him," the Immortal Jack Frost tells the gathered group. "If my fun really is bothering you all this much -- "
"YES!" Again, they all agree on a second thing. Every gun swings to point at Jack. Phil takes off running as fast as his chubby, little legs can carry him.
"Very well," Jack agrees innocently, holding his hands up. "I'll make it go away early this year."
"See?" Casey starts, putting up his baseball bat. "I told you we just needed to talk to him."
"Discussion rarely works," snarls Shere Khan.
"The likes of you five working together, or even being together, is highly unusual and hardly called upon to attack one little groundhog over Winter."
"We're all sick of it!" snarls Faith. "Blizzards shouldn't be hitting California!"
"I didn't send a blizzard to California," Jack responds, "but I have an idea of who did." He turns, sucking in his breath. All the snow and ice in the land lifts into one enormous, howling wind.
Rocket comes to stand beside Faith. He lowers his gun as he, and the others, watch intently. The Elemental restores the warmth to the land in mere seconds, but then he sends all the cold, ice, snow, and wind blasting at the little, old woman who had brought them together. She had claimed to be a Sorceress who simply wasn't powerful enough to face the Lord of Winter, whom they would have had to have gone through the groundhog to attain, but as Jack Frost blows all his Wintery breath upon her, she shrieks, shrivels, contorts, grows, and ultimately changes into her true appearance.
"Should've known a damn man was behind this," Faith growls. She shoulders her crossbow and hits the God of Mischief with three stakes.
"I'll leave you to this then," Jack says with a smile and vanishes as swiftly and unexpectedly as he arrived to help his old friend, Phil the groundhog.
Loki looks at the angry fighters and laughs. His laugh shivers as does he from head to toe, but he's not afraid of them. Rocket growls and picks up his gun again. Faith finally looks down at him with an air of something beyond anger and disdain. "Why don't you give him some of your rabies?"
The raccoon's fur bristles all over his body. "I DO NOT HAVE RABIES!" he screams, but Faith laughs as he fires his gun.
"Uh oh," is all Loki manages to get out before Rocket and Matrix hit him with everything they possess.
When the God is gone, Shere muses, "Odd for him to pull us all together in such a manner."
"Odd combination," Matrix starts to say but then vanishes as, without Loki's magic, he's pulled back into the land of Cyber where he belongs.
Casey again hits his baseball bat against his hand. He wishes fervently he had gotten a punch in on the ass and has a feeling he'll be back to bother them all again one day. "Guess he wanted a laugh."
Faith snorts. "We gave him a laugh, all right."
The men smile, but then Rocket slides closer. "About that date," he starts.
"I AM NOT DATING A RACCOON!" Rocket raises his gun. "NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR GUN IS!"
"What about my other gun?"
Faith pauses and touches her tongue to the top of her mouth. Shere Khan and Casey Jones look on as Rocket and Faith exchange a meaningful glance. "Anywhere near that big?" Faith asks, indicating his actual gun.
"Bigger." Rocket winks.
"Impossible. But I've done everything else. If you can use it like that gun, I might as well be able to say I fucked a 'coon."
"HOT DAMN!" Rocket yells. "I AM NOT A RACCOON!" Dropping his gun, he jumps Faith and plows her, as she's laughing, into the snow. Jones and Khan just continue on their paths back home, never once daring to look back at the couple in the snow or the God who's still laughing, invisible to all.
The End
Author: Kat Lee
Fandoms: Avengers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel Comics, Real Life, ReBoot, Rise of the Guardians/Fairy Tales, Tail Spin, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Character/Pairing: Faith/Rocket, Deadpool, Matrix(/AndrAla), Jack Frost, Shere Khan, Casey Jones, Phil, and a surprise character
Rating: R/M
Challenge:
tamingthemuse: #448: RabiesWarning(s): Language, Character Death, Cross-species Sexual Content, CRACK!FIC
Word Count: 1,645
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission.
His fur has been standing on end since the moment he arrived when he sees her come up to join their growing group. The young woman is clad in black leather that is as tight as a second skin on her. Several of the other men whistle. The man who appears to be almost as unusual as himself, some kind of mutated tiger/human hybrid, unsheathes his claws and watches them gleam in the afternoon sunlight.
The sun feels good on Rocket's small, furry body, but he knows what would feel far better. He shoots the woman his most charming grin, baring his teeth and letting his black and white fur puff. "Who are you, sweetcakes?"
"I'm your worst nightmare," the girl growls back at him, "raccoon." Her dark eyes turn to the old woman who has gathered them all to this place. "I work alone. I don't need these bozos."
"I AM NOT A RACCOON!" Rocket seethes and starts to pull his weapon.
"That's good," a big, green-skinned man retorts, "because we certainly don't need you. When do we get to the meat of this problem? Just show me the little sucker who's freezing the 'Net, and I'll blast him." One of his eyes gleams dangerously, finally taking Rocket's attention away from frying the hot, little chick. The raccoon grins; it's gotta be nice to have a gun for an eye!
"Patience, patience, dearies. This is going to take all of you."
"I'm not sharing my pay."
The tiger man looks condescendingly down upon the skinny human dressed in a black and red uniform. "I scarcely need any additional funds, or these civilians to assist me. I must agree with the others: Show us the problem, and it will be dealt with swiftly," he flexes his claws, "and fatally."
Another human being tosses his baseball bat hard up and down against the palm of his other hand. "Yeah. We're not here for a meet and greet or to see whose balls are the biggest." He flashes a grin at the others. "Which mine are, of course."
"I can cut anybody's balls," the girl snorts.
"I'd like to see you try," the tiger counters. The girl heads for him, but the old woman hops down between them with surprising speed and agility. Both pull back slightly and look her up and down again. For a moment, Rocket and Enzo Matrix, the green guy from the 'Net, both zero their guns in on her.
She laughs and plays her role innocently enough. "There's no need to be angry with each other. I just wanted to make sure this was done right. After all, so many people are dying from this year's Winter storms."
"Show us the perp, and it'll all be over with."
The old woman smiles. "Yes, yes. Well, he's in that hole right over there . . . " The group of killers looks to where she points.
"Over there?" the dark-haired girl asks. Her Slayer instincts are screaming at her now that this is a trap.
"Yes. Right by the tree."
The raccoon holding a gun ten times his size hops down beside her. He doesn't even appear to notice that he just as swiftly sinks into snow up to his knees. "What? You getting cold feet, baby?"
"I'll give you cold feet," Faith smirks and promptly kicks Rocket in the ass.
His gun fires as he flies through the air. He lands on his paws right outside the hole at the base of the tree that's splitting into two. It starts to fall on top of him, but Matrix shoots it away with a laser beam from his eye.
The brunette notices with approval. "Name's Faith. What's yours, big guy?"
"I have a woman back home who would flay you in a nano."
"Doubt it. Nobody flays a Slayer, and ya gotta have Faith for a mission like this." She darts forward through the snow. Matrix, Casey Jones, and Deadpool follow, but Shere Khan hangs back. He sniffs the freezing air, musing to himself that this all seems like too much trouble for one small groundhog. Still, he, just like the others, has grown weary of the constantly freezing weather, and so, eventually, he, too, follows.
Behind them, the old woman's lips twist up into a sinister smile. She almost laughs when Deadpool throws a bomb into the groundhog's hole.
The little animal rolls out of his hole just before it explodes. "Thought you said he'd be asleep," Faith remarks. She dives in with her stake, but he rolls out from under her weapon just in time.
"What? You can't take a male who's awake?" Rocket throws at the girl.
"Keep your rabies to yourself, raccoon, before I kick you in the ass again."
His gun swings at her rather than the groundhog. She flips as he fires and lands smoothly behind Shere Khan. "Eep!" Deadpool squeaks and starts to run while throwing more bombs, but Rocket's shot shatters him. His bombs explode all around them, but Matrix still stands as Rocket, Shere Khan, Faith, and Casey Jones all tumble to the ground. They start to rise back up, but he's already got his gun eye trained on the small animal who's shaking from quivering nose to little, round tail.
"Hey, guys," Casey Jones starts, "maybe this was a mistake. I know some turtles who -- "
"Is -- Is -- Is this all about the Winter?" Phil, the groundhog, interrupts the once-famous sports player to ask.
"YES!" his attackers thunder together.
"Fine! Fine!" Phil throws up his little paws. "Just . . . Just don't shoot! JACK FROST," he yells, "OUR DEAL IS OVER!"
"You know you only had to call me if you were in trouble."
"I know! I know!" Phil squeaks. "Just . . . Just make Winter go away! Make these people go away!"
"Don't shoot him," the Immortal Jack Frost tells the gathered group. "If my fun really is bothering you all this much -- "
"YES!" Again, they all agree on a second thing. Every gun swings to point at Jack. Phil takes off running as fast as his chubby, little legs can carry him.
"Very well," Jack agrees innocently, holding his hands up. "I'll make it go away early this year."
"See?" Casey starts, putting up his baseball bat. "I told you we just needed to talk to him."
"Discussion rarely works," snarls Shere Khan.
"The likes of you five working together, or even being together, is highly unusual and hardly called upon to attack one little groundhog over Winter."
"We're all sick of it!" snarls Faith. "Blizzards shouldn't be hitting California!"
"I didn't send a blizzard to California," Jack responds, "but I have an idea of who did." He turns, sucking in his breath. All the snow and ice in the land lifts into one enormous, howling wind.
Rocket comes to stand beside Faith. He lowers his gun as he, and the others, watch intently. The Elemental restores the warmth to the land in mere seconds, but then he sends all the cold, ice, snow, and wind blasting at the little, old woman who had brought them together. She had claimed to be a Sorceress who simply wasn't powerful enough to face the Lord of Winter, whom they would have had to have gone through the groundhog to attain, but as Jack Frost blows all his Wintery breath upon her, she shrieks, shrivels, contorts, grows, and ultimately changes into her true appearance.
"Should've known a damn man was behind this," Faith growls. She shoulders her crossbow and hits the God of Mischief with three stakes.
"I'll leave you to this then," Jack says with a smile and vanishes as swiftly and unexpectedly as he arrived to help his old friend, Phil the groundhog.
Loki looks at the angry fighters and laughs. His laugh shivers as does he from head to toe, but he's not afraid of them. Rocket growls and picks up his gun again. Faith finally looks down at him with an air of something beyond anger and disdain. "Why don't you give him some of your rabies?"
The raccoon's fur bristles all over his body. "I DO NOT HAVE RABIES!" he screams, but Faith laughs as he fires his gun.
"Uh oh," is all Loki manages to get out before Rocket and Matrix hit him with everything they possess.
When the God is gone, Shere muses, "Odd for him to pull us all together in such a manner."
"Odd combination," Matrix starts to say but then vanishes as, without Loki's magic, he's pulled back into the land of Cyber where he belongs.
Casey again hits his baseball bat against his hand. He wishes fervently he had gotten a punch in on the ass and has a feeling he'll be back to bother them all again one day. "Guess he wanted a laugh."
Faith snorts. "We gave him a laugh, all right."
The men smile, but then Rocket slides closer. "About that date," he starts.
"I AM NOT DATING A RACCOON!" Rocket raises his gun. "NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR GUN IS!"
"What about my other gun?"
Faith pauses and touches her tongue to the top of her mouth. Shere Khan and Casey Jones look on as Rocket and Faith exchange a meaningful glance. "Anywhere near that big?" Faith asks, indicating his actual gun.
"Bigger." Rocket winks.
"Impossible. But I've done everything else. If you can use it like that gun, I might as well be able to say I fucked a 'coon."
"HOT DAMN!" Rocket yells. "I AM NOT A RACCOON!" Dropping his gun, he jumps Faith and plows her, as she's laughing, into the snow. Jones and Khan just continue on their paths back home, never once daring to look back at the couple in the snow or the God who's still laughing, invisible to all.
The End
