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katleeptTitle: Risky Christmas Business
Author: Kat Lee
Dedicated To: The Ace to my Kat, the Jack to my Will, my sweet, beloved Drew
Fandoms: Ace Ventura Pet Detective with Original Characters and a very special Cameo Character
Character/Pairing: Budding Ace/Kat
Rating: Soft R/M
Warning(s): None
Word Count: 5,681
Summary:
Disclaimer: Ace, Spike, and Reckless belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission. Everything else is mine.
He takes a deep breath and raises his fist to knock. His knuckles have barely touched the old, oak wood when the door is suddenly snatched open beneath his hand. "WHAT TH' HELL DI YE WANT, AN' HOW TH' HELL DID YE FIND ME?!"
He had anticipated her fury. He thought he'd been ready, but now with his fellow Pet Detective's emerald green eyes glowering down upon him as though he's an unworthy flea asking for permission to ride a tiger's back, Ace suddenly feels his knees go weak and buckle together. He almost falls but manages to push himself back up at the last second. He knew she'd been angry, but he's got no one else to whom to turn. There's nobody in the world he can think of who can help him with this matter except for the one man who he has no idea how to find. "D-D-Doctor Tr-Tregarde," he stammers out.
"If th' flamin' bitch was nae so much help tae animals, Ah'd light her damn fire all right. Well, what th' fuck di ye want, Ventura?! Di nae jest stand there gawkin'!"
"Can . . . Can I come in?" Ace manages to squeak out.
"What th' Hell di ye t'ink?! Now oot wit' it, man! What th' Hell are ye diin' standin' on me doorstep on Christmas Eve?!"
"I . . . I . . . I . . . " Ace stammers.
"Let the man in, Kat," calls a voice from behind the fiery redhead.
Ace is thankful for the old tom's assistance but doubtful even he can get him into Kat's home.
"He's a friend to animals," Captain continues as Ace's mouth opens again. "He probably needs help with a case."
"It's a wonder he manages to solve anythin' wit' his bloody head bein' so thick -- "
"Kaaaat," Captain says in a warning tone as he pads up behind her. "It's Christmas. Let the man in."
"Christmas can fuck itself," Kat snarls.
Ace isn't the least bit surprised that the woman doesn't have any Christmas spirit, but he still needs her help. His backpack wriggles, reminding him of the dire circumstances of the latest charge his own animals found in the city and brought to him. "I do," he agrees quickly. "Need help, that is. I do solve many cases by myself -- "
"Yeah, right," Kat snaps, "like . . . What was it Ah heard ye talkin' tae tha' cop about? Th' human who killed th' cockroach because his dick was bigger?"
"That was different."
"Aye. Right. Go find ye someone who believes in yer sob stories." She's shutting her door in his face when Ace finds his courage and slams a hand against the door to keep it open. "Ye knae Ah can burn those digits off wit' nary a thought."
The monkey on Ace's shoulder chatters. "She won't do it, Spike," he says, sounding a lot more confident than he feels. "She won't do it, because she knows the cat's right. I'm a friend to animals, and without my hands, there are many more who would suffer."
Kat's emerald eyes narrow to dangerous slits. "Don't be so bloody sure o' yeself, human."
Suddenly, Ace's backpack wriggles again. This time, the animal bleats, drawing Kat's attention to it. "What di ye have there?"
"It's not a what. It's a who, and he's who I came to you for help for. Let me in, and I'll show you."
"Show me now."
"You don't understand -- "
"What Ah di understand is that ye're wastin' me bloody time, an' Ah di nae appreciate ye comin' tae me home! Nae humans are allowed here 'cept fer meself."
"I understand you want your privacy," he says quickly, "and I wouldn't have come if I hadn't had to have your help."
"Why di ye need me help?" Kat demands. "Why nae jest get Tregarde tae help ye?"
"Because this isn't a case for a vet," he returns. "It's a case for some one who can kick ass, and you're the best ass kicker I know." He grins shakily at her.
Kat scowls. "Then ye should knae Ah ha'e even less tolerance fer ass kissers than Ah di for general humans."
"Just let me show you -- "
"Then show me."
"Inside."
"Nae happenin'."
"Please."
"Ye can keep sayin' that 'til th' cows come home tomorrow. It's still nae goin' tae di ye any good."
Ace sighs. "Okay," he relents at last, taking off his backpack as the animal inside wriggles again. "Take him inside and open it up, but remember I brought him to you. I found him, not you."
"Ní mórán thú," Kat mutters, but she reaches out for his backpack nonetheless. Her hands freeze with surprise as a bright, ruby red nose sticks out of the top of Ventura's backpack. "What th' Hell have ye brought me -- ?"
"Just hurry up and go inside -"
"THERE HE IS!"
Kat's and Ace's heads jerk up. Spike screeches. A tiger, lion, and bear roar from various places within Kat's home. Captain's scraggy, striped fur stands on end. "WHAT TH' HELL HAVE YE BROUGHT TAE ME HOME?!" Kat roars, seeing a group of darkly clad men begin to raise their guns. She leaps onto her porch, shoving Ace, the wriggling backpack he still holds, and the monkey attached to his back into her home. Fire leaps from her hands, engulfing the unknown humans and their weaponry before they can ever fire a shot.
With those human destroyed, Kat whirls on Ace. Her hands are still lit up with her fire, and the flames seem to dance in her very eyes. "Give me one reason why I should nae fry yer ass -- " she starts to hiss out at him, but Ace doesn't give her a reason. He doesn't have to, because right about that time, a little furry head with the beginning, velvety stubs of antlers sticks out of the man's backpack.
"I was trying to tell you," he says as Kat gawks this time.
"What th' Hell is that?" she whispers. The animal would look like a baby deer except for the bright, shining, and very red nose that casts its glowing light upon Kat's angry face.
"You know what that is," Captain speaks gently. His fur has relaxed. He pads quietly over to Ace's backpack, sniffs the deer, nods once, and circles around Kat's feet. He rubs against her black boots, purring reassuringly as he insists, "You know exactly what that is."
"Well, what th' Hell's it diin' here?!"
"I don't know," Ace answers honestly, looking down at the little deer. He strokes his head, scratching him right between the little knobs of his growing antlers. "But we know where he's got to get or there won't be any Christmas."
"Heh." Kat snorts. "Ye're even more full of shit than Ah thought."
"You're telling me this isn't Rudolph?"
"Of course it's nae Rudolph! Rudolph's been around fer hundreds o' years jest like th' old fart tha' uses him fer his sleigh!"
Monkeys and squirrels chitter. A cat meows, and a couple of dogs bark. Ace turns slowly, taking in the sight of Kat's living room for the first time. Despite her talk of Christmas fucking itself, she has a towering tree. Its branches are black, but there are presents beneath it. Stockings are hung and are spilling over with catnip mice, bones, bells, and other toys. Ace looks at the woman herself again, frowning slightly. "You certainly are a mystery -- " he starts to say, thinking to himself that she isn't just a mystery. She's a beautiful, fiery mystery that part of him longs to solve.
"Nae, Ah'm nae." Kat shakes her head quickly, her long, fiery red hair whipping about her shoulders. "Ah'm as simple an' straightforward as they come. Ah'll do anythin' fer an animal, but Ah want naething tae di wit' yer kind."
"I can't help what I was born."
"Ye can help bein' here -- "
"I told you why I came. I need your help."
"Nae, ye din't."
"Yes, I do! You saw those people after us! There are more where those came from! I'll never get this deer to Santa and save Christmas by myself!"
"Th' deer needs tae gi back tae Claus," Kat agrees, "but his absence isn't giin' tae keep Christmas from comin'. Tha' damn t'ing's giin' tae come rather we want it or nae."
Ace looks around them again. Nearly every kind of animal he has ever seen is in this room, from calves and a horse laying on a blanket in one side of the high-ceilinged room to an alligator behind the door who's grinning wide and looking at Ace like he's something good to eat. Ventura gulps, just watching the gator. He's never had a lot of luck with those animals.
His gaze sweeps back to the tree. It has a good few feet on Kat, and she's already taller than Ace. Even now, birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and other small animals are adding glittering ornaments to the tree's dark branches. Bigger birds nestle in its higher boughs while a turtle pushes its little head determinedly against a painted rock at the tree's base. Ace is just beginning to think that the woman does have every kind of animal friend he's ever imagined when a hummingbird flies in, carrying one end of a long strand of silver tinsel. Ace can't help gawking at the animal at the other end of the tinsel: a tiny blue dragon flying every bit as fast as the hummingbird itself.
But then he remembers Kat and all she's said and turns slowly back to look at her. "You really don't want Christmas coming?" he breathes in disbelief.
"Oh, it's giin' tae come. There ain't naething any one can di tae stop it. Believe me, Ah tried fer years after . . . after . . . " Her face suddenly pales, and she snatches up the mug a monkey hands to her. She swallows the eggnog quickly, enjoying the burn of the Irish whiskey she always adds to it just like her grandfather did before her.
"Can I have some -- ?" Ace starts to ask, but Kat hands the mug back to the monkey who scampers off toward the kitchen to refill it for her.
"We're nae here tae talk about me. Ye need tae get th' deer back to Claus. That's true, but it's nae giin' tae have any effect on Christmas. It's nae Rudolph. Maybe Rudolph's son or grandson or great great great grandson, but it's nae th' deer himself."
"How can you be so sure?" Ace asks. Her answer makes his jaw drop open in shock.
"'Cause Ah knae th' ol' bastard. He was friends wit' me grandfather, an' Ah'm tellin' ye: That's nae Rudolph. A descendent, aye, but nae th' deer himself, so Christmas is safe."
"And you really don't want it to be?"
"What Ah want, Ventura, is me business only. Now get th' Hell out o' me home before'n Ah -- "
"Wait, Kat! Just wait! Please! Hear me out!" Ace waves his hands at her as though he can actually stand a chance of fending off her fire. "I can't do this on my own! I'll never make it to the North Pole!"
"Why nae?"
"Because there are more of those people out there! Evidently the baby got dropped in a park and was seen by the local news, and now people are out to get him to dissect him and figure out why his nose glows or at least make money off of that nose -- "
"An' yet somehow, ye ended up wit' him."
"Yes! Yes, I did, because my friends saw him, knew I would help him, and brought him to me!"
"He's telling the truth," a new (at least to Ace), female voice speaks. The man whirls toward the unexpected ally and gulps again as he sees a white wolf looking calmly down her nose at him. "About this, at least."
"Come now, Kat. Forget about the human. He's not important."
"Gee, thanks," Ace starts to say, but the old cat continues as though he hasn't heard him at all.
"But the baby reindeer is. We have to get him home."
"An' how di ye propose we di tha' on Christmas Eve?" the redhead demands. "It's nae as if we can get a flight taenight, an' nae even th' biggest condor can make that flight!"
"I've got some one coming -- "
"Ye what?" Kat looks back up at him with a glower that could kill a lesser man.
"I -- I called a friend. He owes me for the last time I helped him and his uncle -- "
"Ye ha'e some one comin'? Tae me HOME?!" Kat's fists light up again.
Captain shakes his head. "We're never going to get anywhere at this rate," he comments to the golden Labrador who's padded up beside him.
"I -- I knew we'd need help to get to the North Pole!"
"So ye just thought ye'd invite a bloody stranger tae me home?!"
"He's not a stranger! He's a friend! He robs banks and gives the money -- "
"BLOODY HELL! NAE JEST A STRANGER, BUT A BLOODY THIEF!! AH'M KILLIN' HIM NOW!"
Ace gulps and falls back behind a bear, who's standing on her hind legs and looking up at the ceiling.
"No, Kat, don't -- " Captain starts to say.
Something snaps behind Ace. The Detective leaps around, sees the alligator he'd noticed earlier by the door now grinning at him with his mighty mouth closed, and jumps into the air, protectively grabbing his rear end with both hands as he does so.
Monkeys shriek and birds chatter with laughter. A lion roars. Ace turns toward the King of beasts and sees the big cat grinning at him. "I'm glad you think it's funny -- " he starts to say.
"Nae a damn t'ing's funny 'bout ye, Ventura, an' Ah've had enough," Kat growls, reaching out and grabbing Ace's throat. Fire licks his skin.
He looks into her fierce eyes. "If I'm going out this way, at least I'm going out helping animals."
The baby deer in the center of the floor bleats again. "Kat," Captain warns, wrapping his wiry body around the baby boy, "you don't want him to see you do this."
"Then he can look th' other way! He invited a bloody bank robber to our house, Captain!"
"Yes," the old cat returns calmly, "and I've a good idea of who it is, and so would you if you would calm down and think for a moment."
Suddenly, the whirring blades of a helicopter can be heard by the humans as well. Kat glowers at Ace. "Ah'm giin' tae gi fry tha' egg; then Ah'm comin' back fer ye. Say yer prayers, Ventura." She drops the paled, skinny man in her floor, then whirls around and marches out the door.
"Kat," Captain calls, shaking his head. He follows quickly after her as do several of the other animals as well.
"Bloody Hell," Kat whispers, catching sight of the helicopter. "Nae tha' leathcheann!"
"Yes," Captain calls to her, leaping onto her shoulder and keeping his balance perfectly, "that nincompoop!"
"How di ye knae?" Kat asks.
"Because I listened to the man! Yes, he's a robber, but he's a robber who gives the money to those who need it! There's not too many of those left in this day and age!"
Kat casts one more glower at the descending copter before returning to her own living room. She's almost ready to wish for a calm night unwrapping the presents she's given to her furry brothers and sisters. But what she's not ready for is to find Ace waiting for her on his knees, the baby reindeer cradled in his thin, weak arms.
His monkey jumps in front of her, shrieking about all the good Ace has supposedly done for animals and pleading with her to give his human one more chance. The baby deer bleats. Ace looks at the baby, then at Spike, and finally to Kat. "It's okay, Spike. She can do me in if she wants to. We can't stop her, and we were the ones who were stupid enough to come to her for help. I only ask one thing," he continues, bravely meeting her furious eyes, "and that's that you do help this little guy get home even if you do go ahead and fry me now." He hangs his head and waits.
Every animal in the room except for the human looks expectantly at Kat. Ace keeps his head down, his mind weighing his calculations again. His heart gives a leap, but he manages to keep his body still and obedient when he hears Kat hiss out a frustrated, "Fuck. Ah'll help ye taenight, but din't ye e'er come back again, ye understand?"
"Yes. Yes. Yes, Oh Great One!" A snake recoils along the curtain rod with hissing laughter as the scrawny man leaps back up to his feet.
Kat glowers. "Ah already knae Ah'm goin' tae regret this."
"No, you won't!" Ace cries. "I promise you won't!"
Spike chatters joyously as he leaps back onto his human's shoulder, digging his little hands into Ace's Hawaiian shirt. Even the baby deer seems to bleat with happiness as the man scoops him up into his arms and runs out the door to meet the copter before the angry pyrokinetic can change her mind.
"See what Ah let ye talk me into?" Kat demands of Captain, who gives her the look that is the feline equivalent of a shrug.
"Blame me if you wish," he counters, "but we have a life to save. She'll never be safe in this realm."
Kat glowers, but she knows he's right. She looks around at her family, knowing she won't be able to take most of them with her on the flight. "We'll be back later tonight," she promises, "before daylight, an' we'll open yer gifts then."
"Says the woman who just said 'fuck Christmas'," Captain gently prods.
Kat glowers down at him. "Ye knae ye lot's th' only reason why Ah still do any o' these eejit holidays!"
"I know," Captain agrees, rubbing against her boots again, "and we thank you for it."
Kat rolls her eyes but returns her attention the others. "At any rate, y'all know what tae di if any other humans show up."
Laughter in various languages again resounds throughout the room. The gator strikes his tail happily against the floor. "Aye. Ye can eat any o' 'em, but ye can nae eat Ventura. He'd give ye indigestion, an' besides, when his ass goes down, it's mine. Be good, Pat." She looks at a lion basking in the glow of the Christmas tree lights and the same bear who had been the first to hear the approaching helicopter. "Keep them under control, Aslan, Bearfort."
The lion simply grunts his agreement, but the bear nods. In her own way, she tells Kat gently, You know we have this, Kat. Now go do what you need to do.
Kat nods and looks again at the other animals. "Behave," she reminds Pat again, reaching out and gently lifting the serpent from her curtain rod. He coils around her neck in gentle loops like an emerald necklace that's a little too big for her. Captain jumps to his perch on her right shoulder. The Lab moves to Kat's left side, and a tiger follows quickly on her black heels.
"Been a while, Kat," the pilot says a few minutes later as they board.
"Not long enough, Kelly."
"It's Reckless now."
"Hmph." Kat snorts. "Like ye ne'er were before."
"I miss those days -- " Ned starts to comment as Kat slips around behind him. Captain nods to the kangaroo in the back of the copter while Aisling squeezes herself in between Ace and Kat with a happy grin.
Ace is still staring at the pilot and Kat. "You two know each other?!" he asks in amazement. "And she let you live?"
Reckless laughs. "Only because her grandfather wouldn't let her kill me. It was a long time ago, back when we were kids."
"A lifetime ago," Kat murmurs. Captain purrs in her arms, and Sir Hiss rubs his cold cheek against hers. She gazes out the window rather than face either of the men.
Reckless glances at her reflection in the mirror as the tiger takes his seat. "Every Christmas," Ace says softly, "is a new beginning." The reindeer bleats as though agreeing with him.
"Nae, it's not," Kat snarled. "Now let's get this damn t'ing o'er wit'." She hears a commotion below them as Reckless lifts the bird back into the dark, night sky. Vehicles are pulling up to her house.
"I'm sorry," Ace starts to apologize, but Kat just snorts.
"Di nae waste yer breath apologizing' fer tha'," she tells him. "They're nothing." And indeed, in mere seconds, the humans and the vehicles in which they came are nothing but ashes drifting back to the earth.
"So . . . " Ace speaks again after a long moment, but Kat cuts him off.
"Din't. We're nae here fer small talk. We're here tae get a job done," she glances at the deer in his lap, "an' a life saved. Naething more."
"Yes, ma'am," he says wisely and obediently, and the whole helicopter and all its passengers remain silent for the rest of the trip.
Kat knows just where to lead the men to, and under her guidance, they're soon at the spot -- although Ace can't believe that this is where they're meant to meet Santa Claus. "This can't be it!" he says yet again.
"Ah've already told ye that it is," Kat snaps.
"But it can't be! And besides, how do you know where Santa Claus lives?"
"This is nae where he lives, but as close tae it as we can get! An' Ah knae 'cause . . . 'cause me grandfather was friends wit' th' ol' Saint . . . bastard."
"But . . . But it's only a freaking candy cane pole out here in the middle of nowhere!"
Reckless shakes his head. "I wouldn't argue with her, mate."
"But look at it! It's a giant, freaking candy cane out there in the middle of this damn blizzard, and that's it!"
"Aye," Kat remarks sarcastically, "Ah knae. There's no talkin' snowmen or houses made o' gingerbread."
"Precisely! It's just one damn candy cane!"
"An' Ah'm tellin' ye, this candy cane is exactly where we need tae be."
"I -- "
"HO! HO! HO!"
Ace's voice drops to a whisper. "Did you hear that?"
"Aye. Ah told ye this was th' spot. Now let's get oot there tae meet his jolly ass."
Slowly, they exit the copter. The tiger and kangaroo are the first ones to bound out followed quickly by Kat, muttering at the animals as he moves. "Ah told ye tae tae let me go first."
The kangaroo punches at icy but empty air, his paws faster than the warped blades of the helicopter that are still buzzing slightly. "Heh. Ah din't blame ye. Ah'd rather be fightin' than diin' this cacamas too, but this is where we're needed taenight."
Captain's easy and proud smile curves his furry lips. "Spoken like a true O'Hara," he whispers in her ear, rubbing her cheek with his.
Sir Hiss slithers further down into the collar of Kat's black trench coat. She makes a mental note to find somebody to make a sweater for the poor snake next year. Of all the talents she possesses, none of them are anything close to sewing.
"Why, Kat O'Hara, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Save it, Santa. I'm nae here fer ye."
"Aw, Kat. Would your grandfather approve of such language?"
"Does nae matter. Ye might remember he's dead."
Her words stop Ace cold in mid-descent. They sound full of anger, but he senses the sorrow beneath the anger in her now for the first time. Even the chattering monkey on his back seems to lose his excitement of seeing Santa Claus and falls silent as well. Slowly, the reindeer still in his arms, Ace turns to face Kat, but instead of her, his eyes fall on Santa Claus. The old man looks every bit as old and jolly as Ace has ever heard him described to be. For a moment, he wonders if his belly really does shake like a bowl full of jelly, but then Santa spies him and smiles.
"Thank you, Detective Ventura. You've brought my lost lamb home."
Santa reaches his arms out for the baby deer even as Rudolph, at the head of his sleigh, bleats. His nose shines brightly. The little deer in Ace's arms leaps from the human and flies through the falling snow to his father. They touch noses, and the beacon is the brightest light Kat, Ace, and their animal friends have ever seen.
"Santa -- "
Santa, Ace, and Kat look up to see Reckless approaching. "I just want to thank you," he says, removing the garbage can he uses for a helmet, "for taking care of our children."
"He does nae take care o' our children. He only takes care o' human children."
"He takes care of more than you know."
"And the animals have other guardians," Santa speaks in a jolly, calm, and deep voice. "Like you two and others of your kind."
"There's naebody else like me." Kat glances at Ace; their eyes meet for just a second before she glowers back at Santa. "Or him, which is probably a good t'ing."
"There are more than you think," Santa says and then touches his finger to the side of his nose and winks.
"Don't ye -- " Kat starts to growl, but the bright light that has been shining all these hours as they have waited in the freezing weather for Santa Claus' return now envelopes the old man. He soars up into the night and disappears with a final, "HO! HO! HO!"
"Bastard," Kat snarls.
"Where'd he go?" Ace asks.
Kat shrugs and turns back to the copter. "That's jest his way," she tries to explain, but Captain suddenly kneads her shoulder with urgency.
"Kat," Reckless calls and nods solemnly toward the sleigh when Kat looks at him. She follows his gaze and stops in her tracks at the sight of the Elf she sees looking back at her.
Her grandfather was a towering man full of sage wisdom, brute strength, fiery Irish determination, and a heart whose love knew no limits. He took her in without hesitation when her parents were killed in a car wreck when she was just a little girl. He loved her when no other human would even meet her gaze. And now, on this snowy Christmas Eve night scant minutes before dawn, she swears she finds herself looking back into his face.
But it isn't his face. He looks exactly like him, from his nose that's been reddened by too much cold or too much drink to his kind, kind eyes, but it isn't the same man. It isn't a man at all but an Elf who's short even by Elven standards.
"Kathleen O'Hara," he says in that same old voice that used to be so reassuring to Kat but now brings tears to her emerald eyes, "Ah miss ye, an' Ah love ye. Ah always will, an' we'll be together again one day."
"Grandpa -- " she starts to speak uncertainly.
Captain leaps from her shoulder with a meow that echoes across the still, snowy landscape and starts to pad toward the Elf. The Elf, like Santa before him, places his finger next to his nose and winks. "Next year, somebody else will get tae help him out an' look in on their loved ones, but this year, he's given us all a present. Take care o' her fer me, Captain. An' ye tae," he adds, looking at Ace.
And then the light wraps around him even as Captain and Kat both run forward. It engulfs him, and when the light vanishes, the old Elf, the reindeer, the sleigh, and the magical bag that makes every Christmas story including this one are all gone. Captain mews. A sob breaks free from Kat's throat. Ace and Reckless look at each other, then move forward in the snow toward them both.
"Din't," Kat snarls, swiping angrily at her tears with the back of her hand. "Din't ye dare feel sorry fer me." She spins and shoots a fireball at the magical candy cane, marking the very center of the North Pole. It explodes, and without a further word to any one, Kat lifts Captain into her arms and returns to the helicopter.
The tiger curls at her feet. Captain nuzzles his face into her trench coat. Aisling lays her head across her mistress' knee, and Sir Hiss cuddles closer to her neck. The kangaroo bounds aboard, but even he hangs his head as he takes his place behind Reckless' chair. When the men still hesitate, Kat hollers out at the Australian Robin Hood, "DO SOMETHIN' USEFUL FER A CHANGE, AN' GET US TH' FUCK BACK TAE WHERE WE BELONG!"
They make the flight back in silence even more solemn and heavier than the one in which they came. The engine sputters and dies as if by magic just as they land in Kat's yard. "I think I'm going to have to work on her this time," Reckless starts apologetically even as his kangaroo pal hops out and is met by old friends.
"Whate'er," Kat snaps as she climbs out. She casts one more glower back at Ace. "An' din't ye be callin' on me fer help again, Ventura. Ferget where I live. Ferget ye even knae me, or I'll light yer fire fer th' first time."
Ace almost lets her go. He almost does, but then just as she's reaching her porch, he scurries out of the helicopter and starts to run after her. "Kat -- " he calls.
She stops, hearing his voice, and turns slowly around to face him one more time tonight. She doesn't want to look at him. The sun is coming up. She's missed Christmas Eve with her babies, and all she really wants to do now is let them open their gifts while she loses her troubles in her spiked eggnog. She certainly doesn't want to look at any other human, let alone a scrawny slip of a man who keeps causing trouble for her.
"I just . . . " Ace is breathing hard by the time he jumps up behind her on the old, rickety porch. "I just wanted to say thank you."
"Fer what? Fer screwin' me Christmas even more?"
"No, but I . . . I do have a question." He shuts his eyes gulps, bracing himself against the fireball he expects to slam into his body. But the fire doesn't come -- at least, not yet. He reopens his eyes and dares to glance at her. "Why didn't you follow them?" he asks when he sees she hasn't yet formed a fireball.
"Because we can't gi where they went," she answers truthfully as a cold wind whips around them and the first rays of daylight hit her porch, which was once her grandfather's.
"Why not?" Ace asks in earnest curiosity.
"Because they're in Heaven," she whispers. Her hands curl into fists, her fingernails biting into her own palms, as her tears threaten to start again. "Santa Claus really is tha' Saint Nicholas from so long ago, but he only gets tae come down once a year. That's why man can't find 'im an' destroy 'im."
"Was that really your grandfather?" Ace asks softly.
"Ah . . . Ah din't knae," she answers honestly. "But spirits o' passed loved ones are chosen e'ery year tae help Santa an' be a part o' his team. Grandpa always said that was how Santa knew exactly th' right gifts tae give. Hmph." She snorts at her own self. "Now Ah sound like th' stupid one."
"Never," he whispers.
Her eyes flash through her unshed tears. "Din't ye gi feelin' sorry fer me, Ventura -- "
"I don't. I can't. I'm sorry you're hurting, -- " He continues quickly even as Kat begins forming a fireball, " -- but I can't feel sorry for you. You're amazing."
"What?" Kat asks in surprise.
"You're too amazing," Ace continues. "You're the most amazing, brave, and bad ass woman I've ever known. I can't feel sorry for you."
Kat stares at him. Ace braces himself, but the fire slips back into her palm with a soft, sizzling sound. The snake hisses in Kat's ear. Captain gently but pointedly kneads her shoulders. Spike chatters and holds a sprig of fake mistletoe above his human's head.
"What th' fuck?" Kat finally asks, causing Ace to frown in confusion, but after all they've been through tonight, all she's learned and been shown, Kat's reminded that it is Christmas after all. She also still has a slight buzz from all the eggnog she's drank trying to get through this bloody holiday, and she swears she can now hear bells, not realizing that they're being rung by the animals within her home.
She closes the distance between herself and Ventura in one smooth step. "Merry Christmas, nutcase," she snarls, reaching out to him. Her fingers curl in the collar of his Hawaiian shirt as she yanks him closer. Her lips slam up onto his. The bells ring louder as her tongue dives into his mouth and she yanks them both into her living room and kicks the door shut behind them. Ace hears bells all his own, but he can't holler his excitement. His tongue's too busy wrapping around hers.
But left out in the snow, Reckless does holler for them both. "YEAH!" He and the kangaroo high five each other, and millions and millions of miles above their heads, Angels sing as the beginnings of love are acknowledged at last.
The End
Author: Kat Lee
Dedicated To: The Ace to my Kat, the Jack to my Will, my sweet, beloved Drew
Fandoms: Ace Ventura Pet Detective with Original Characters and a very special Cameo Character
Character/Pairing: Budding Ace/Kat
Rating: Soft R/M
Warning(s): None
Word Count: 5,681
Summary:
Disclaimer: Ace, Spike, and Reckless belong to their rightful owners, not the author, and are used without permission. Everything else is mine.
He takes a deep breath and raises his fist to knock. His knuckles have barely touched the old, oak wood when the door is suddenly snatched open beneath his hand. "WHAT TH' HELL DI YE WANT, AN' HOW TH' HELL DID YE FIND ME?!"
He had anticipated her fury. He thought he'd been ready, but now with his fellow Pet Detective's emerald green eyes glowering down upon him as though he's an unworthy flea asking for permission to ride a tiger's back, Ace suddenly feels his knees go weak and buckle together. He almost falls but manages to push himself back up at the last second. He knew she'd been angry, but he's got no one else to whom to turn. There's nobody in the world he can think of who can help him with this matter except for the one man who he has no idea how to find. "D-D-Doctor Tr-Tregarde," he stammers out.
"If th' flamin' bitch was nae so much help tae animals, Ah'd light her damn fire all right. Well, what th' fuck di ye want, Ventura?! Di nae jest stand there gawkin'!"
"Can . . . Can I come in?" Ace manages to squeak out.
"What th' Hell di ye t'ink?! Now oot wit' it, man! What th' Hell are ye diin' standin' on me doorstep on Christmas Eve?!"
"I . . . I . . . I . . . " Ace stammers.
"Let the man in, Kat," calls a voice from behind the fiery redhead.
Ace is thankful for the old tom's assistance but doubtful even he can get him into Kat's home.
"He's a friend to animals," Captain continues as Ace's mouth opens again. "He probably needs help with a case."
"It's a wonder he manages to solve anythin' wit' his bloody head bein' so thick -- "
"Kaaaat," Captain says in a warning tone as he pads up behind her. "It's Christmas. Let the man in."
"Christmas can fuck itself," Kat snarls.
Ace isn't the least bit surprised that the woman doesn't have any Christmas spirit, but he still needs her help. His backpack wriggles, reminding him of the dire circumstances of the latest charge his own animals found in the city and brought to him. "I do," he agrees quickly. "Need help, that is. I do solve many cases by myself -- "
"Yeah, right," Kat snaps, "like . . . What was it Ah heard ye talkin' tae tha' cop about? Th' human who killed th' cockroach because his dick was bigger?"
"That was different."
"Aye. Right. Go find ye someone who believes in yer sob stories." She's shutting her door in his face when Ace finds his courage and slams a hand against the door to keep it open. "Ye knae Ah can burn those digits off wit' nary a thought."
The monkey on Ace's shoulder chatters. "She won't do it, Spike," he says, sounding a lot more confident than he feels. "She won't do it, because she knows the cat's right. I'm a friend to animals, and without my hands, there are many more who would suffer."
Kat's emerald eyes narrow to dangerous slits. "Don't be so bloody sure o' yeself, human."
Suddenly, Ace's backpack wriggles again. This time, the animal bleats, drawing Kat's attention to it. "What di ye have there?"
"It's not a what. It's a who, and he's who I came to you for help for. Let me in, and I'll show you."
"Show me now."
"You don't understand -- "
"What Ah di understand is that ye're wastin' me bloody time, an' Ah di nae appreciate ye comin' tae me home! Nae humans are allowed here 'cept fer meself."
"I understand you want your privacy," he says quickly, "and I wouldn't have come if I hadn't had to have your help."
"Why di ye need me help?" Kat demands. "Why nae jest get Tregarde tae help ye?"
"Because this isn't a case for a vet," he returns. "It's a case for some one who can kick ass, and you're the best ass kicker I know." He grins shakily at her.
Kat scowls. "Then ye should knae Ah ha'e even less tolerance fer ass kissers than Ah di for general humans."
"Just let me show you -- "
"Then show me."
"Inside."
"Nae happenin'."
"Please."
"Ye can keep sayin' that 'til th' cows come home tomorrow. It's still nae goin' tae di ye any good."
Ace sighs. "Okay," he relents at last, taking off his backpack as the animal inside wriggles again. "Take him inside and open it up, but remember I brought him to you. I found him, not you."
"Ní mórán thú," Kat mutters, but she reaches out for his backpack nonetheless. Her hands freeze with surprise as a bright, ruby red nose sticks out of the top of Ventura's backpack. "What th' Hell have ye brought me -- ?"
"Just hurry up and go inside -"
"THERE HE IS!"
Kat's and Ace's heads jerk up. Spike screeches. A tiger, lion, and bear roar from various places within Kat's home. Captain's scraggy, striped fur stands on end. "WHAT TH' HELL HAVE YE BROUGHT TAE ME HOME?!" Kat roars, seeing a group of darkly clad men begin to raise their guns. She leaps onto her porch, shoving Ace, the wriggling backpack he still holds, and the monkey attached to his back into her home. Fire leaps from her hands, engulfing the unknown humans and their weaponry before they can ever fire a shot.
With those human destroyed, Kat whirls on Ace. Her hands are still lit up with her fire, and the flames seem to dance in her very eyes. "Give me one reason why I should nae fry yer ass -- " she starts to hiss out at him, but Ace doesn't give her a reason. He doesn't have to, because right about that time, a little furry head with the beginning, velvety stubs of antlers sticks out of the man's backpack.
"I was trying to tell you," he says as Kat gawks this time.
"What th' Hell is that?" she whispers. The animal would look like a baby deer except for the bright, shining, and very red nose that casts its glowing light upon Kat's angry face.
"You know what that is," Captain speaks gently. His fur has relaxed. He pads quietly over to Ace's backpack, sniffs the deer, nods once, and circles around Kat's feet. He rubs against her black boots, purring reassuringly as he insists, "You know exactly what that is."
"Well, what th' Hell's it diin' here?!"
"I don't know," Ace answers honestly, looking down at the little deer. He strokes his head, scratching him right between the little knobs of his growing antlers. "But we know where he's got to get or there won't be any Christmas."
"Heh." Kat snorts. "Ye're even more full of shit than Ah thought."
"You're telling me this isn't Rudolph?"
"Of course it's nae Rudolph! Rudolph's been around fer hundreds o' years jest like th' old fart tha' uses him fer his sleigh!"
Monkeys and squirrels chitter. A cat meows, and a couple of dogs bark. Ace turns slowly, taking in the sight of Kat's living room for the first time. Despite her talk of Christmas fucking itself, she has a towering tree. Its branches are black, but there are presents beneath it. Stockings are hung and are spilling over with catnip mice, bones, bells, and other toys. Ace looks at the woman herself again, frowning slightly. "You certainly are a mystery -- " he starts to say, thinking to himself that she isn't just a mystery. She's a beautiful, fiery mystery that part of him longs to solve.
"Nae, Ah'm nae." Kat shakes her head quickly, her long, fiery red hair whipping about her shoulders. "Ah'm as simple an' straightforward as they come. Ah'll do anythin' fer an animal, but Ah want naething tae di wit' yer kind."
"I can't help what I was born."
"Ye can help bein' here -- "
"I told you why I came. I need your help."
"Nae, ye din't."
"Yes, I do! You saw those people after us! There are more where those came from! I'll never get this deer to Santa and save Christmas by myself!"
"Th' deer needs tae gi back tae Claus," Kat agrees, "but his absence isn't giin' tae keep Christmas from comin'. Tha' damn t'ing's giin' tae come rather we want it or nae."
Ace looks around them again. Nearly every kind of animal he has ever seen is in this room, from calves and a horse laying on a blanket in one side of the high-ceilinged room to an alligator behind the door who's grinning wide and looking at Ace like he's something good to eat. Ventura gulps, just watching the gator. He's never had a lot of luck with those animals.
His gaze sweeps back to the tree. It has a good few feet on Kat, and she's already taller than Ace. Even now, birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and other small animals are adding glittering ornaments to the tree's dark branches. Bigger birds nestle in its higher boughs while a turtle pushes its little head determinedly against a painted rock at the tree's base. Ace is just beginning to think that the woman does have every kind of animal friend he's ever imagined when a hummingbird flies in, carrying one end of a long strand of silver tinsel. Ace can't help gawking at the animal at the other end of the tinsel: a tiny blue dragon flying every bit as fast as the hummingbird itself.
But then he remembers Kat and all she's said and turns slowly back to look at her. "You really don't want Christmas coming?" he breathes in disbelief.
"Oh, it's giin' tae come. There ain't naething any one can di tae stop it. Believe me, Ah tried fer years after . . . after . . . " Her face suddenly pales, and she snatches up the mug a monkey hands to her. She swallows the eggnog quickly, enjoying the burn of the Irish whiskey she always adds to it just like her grandfather did before her.
"Can I have some -- ?" Ace starts to ask, but Kat hands the mug back to the monkey who scampers off toward the kitchen to refill it for her.
"We're nae here tae talk about me. Ye need tae get th' deer back to Claus. That's true, but it's nae giin' tae have any effect on Christmas. It's nae Rudolph. Maybe Rudolph's son or grandson or great great great grandson, but it's nae th' deer himself."
"How can you be so sure?" Ace asks. Her answer makes his jaw drop open in shock.
"'Cause Ah knae th' ol' bastard. He was friends wit' me grandfather, an' Ah'm tellin' ye: That's nae Rudolph. A descendent, aye, but nae th' deer himself, so Christmas is safe."
"And you really don't want it to be?"
"What Ah want, Ventura, is me business only. Now get th' Hell out o' me home before'n Ah -- "
"Wait, Kat! Just wait! Please! Hear me out!" Ace waves his hands at her as though he can actually stand a chance of fending off her fire. "I can't do this on my own! I'll never make it to the North Pole!"
"Why nae?"
"Because there are more of those people out there! Evidently the baby got dropped in a park and was seen by the local news, and now people are out to get him to dissect him and figure out why his nose glows or at least make money off of that nose -- "
"An' yet somehow, ye ended up wit' him."
"Yes! Yes, I did, because my friends saw him, knew I would help him, and brought him to me!"
"He's telling the truth," a new (at least to Ace), female voice speaks. The man whirls toward the unexpected ally and gulps again as he sees a white wolf looking calmly down her nose at him. "About this, at least."
"Come now, Kat. Forget about the human. He's not important."
"Gee, thanks," Ace starts to say, but the old cat continues as though he hasn't heard him at all.
"But the baby reindeer is. We have to get him home."
"An' how di ye propose we di tha' on Christmas Eve?" the redhead demands. "It's nae as if we can get a flight taenight, an' nae even th' biggest condor can make that flight!"
"I've got some one coming -- "
"Ye what?" Kat looks back up at him with a glower that could kill a lesser man.
"I -- I called a friend. He owes me for the last time I helped him and his uncle -- "
"Ye ha'e some one comin'? Tae me HOME?!" Kat's fists light up again.
Captain shakes his head. "We're never going to get anywhere at this rate," he comments to the golden Labrador who's padded up beside him.
"I -- I knew we'd need help to get to the North Pole!"
"So ye just thought ye'd invite a bloody stranger tae me home?!"
"He's not a stranger! He's a friend! He robs banks and gives the money -- "
"BLOODY HELL! NAE JEST A STRANGER, BUT A BLOODY THIEF!! AH'M KILLIN' HIM NOW!"
Ace gulps and falls back behind a bear, who's standing on her hind legs and looking up at the ceiling.
"No, Kat, don't -- " Captain starts to say.
Something snaps behind Ace. The Detective leaps around, sees the alligator he'd noticed earlier by the door now grinning at him with his mighty mouth closed, and jumps into the air, protectively grabbing his rear end with both hands as he does so.
Monkeys shriek and birds chatter with laughter. A lion roars. Ace turns toward the King of beasts and sees the big cat grinning at him. "I'm glad you think it's funny -- " he starts to say.
"Nae a damn t'ing's funny 'bout ye, Ventura, an' Ah've had enough," Kat growls, reaching out and grabbing Ace's throat. Fire licks his skin.
He looks into her fierce eyes. "If I'm going out this way, at least I'm going out helping animals."
The baby deer in the center of the floor bleats again. "Kat," Captain warns, wrapping his wiry body around the baby boy, "you don't want him to see you do this."
"Then he can look th' other way! He invited a bloody bank robber to our house, Captain!"
"Yes," the old cat returns calmly, "and I've a good idea of who it is, and so would you if you would calm down and think for a moment."
Suddenly, the whirring blades of a helicopter can be heard by the humans as well. Kat glowers at Ace. "Ah'm giin' tae gi fry tha' egg; then Ah'm comin' back fer ye. Say yer prayers, Ventura." She drops the paled, skinny man in her floor, then whirls around and marches out the door.
"Kat," Captain calls, shaking his head. He follows quickly after her as do several of the other animals as well.
"Bloody Hell," Kat whispers, catching sight of the helicopter. "Nae tha' leathcheann!"
"Yes," Captain calls to her, leaping onto her shoulder and keeping his balance perfectly, "that nincompoop!"
"How di ye knae?" Kat asks.
"Because I listened to the man! Yes, he's a robber, but he's a robber who gives the money to those who need it! There's not too many of those left in this day and age!"
Kat casts one more glower at the descending copter before returning to her own living room. She's almost ready to wish for a calm night unwrapping the presents she's given to her furry brothers and sisters. But what she's not ready for is to find Ace waiting for her on his knees, the baby reindeer cradled in his thin, weak arms.
His monkey jumps in front of her, shrieking about all the good Ace has supposedly done for animals and pleading with her to give his human one more chance. The baby deer bleats. Ace looks at the baby, then at Spike, and finally to Kat. "It's okay, Spike. She can do me in if she wants to. We can't stop her, and we were the ones who were stupid enough to come to her for help. I only ask one thing," he continues, bravely meeting her furious eyes, "and that's that you do help this little guy get home even if you do go ahead and fry me now." He hangs his head and waits.
Every animal in the room except for the human looks expectantly at Kat. Ace keeps his head down, his mind weighing his calculations again. His heart gives a leap, but he manages to keep his body still and obedient when he hears Kat hiss out a frustrated, "Fuck. Ah'll help ye taenight, but din't ye e'er come back again, ye understand?"
"Yes. Yes. Yes, Oh Great One!" A snake recoils along the curtain rod with hissing laughter as the scrawny man leaps back up to his feet.
Kat glowers. "Ah already knae Ah'm goin' tae regret this."
"No, you won't!" Ace cries. "I promise you won't!"
Spike chatters joyously as he leaps back onto his human's shoulder, digging his little hands into Ace's Hawaiian shirt. Even the baby deer seems to bleat with happiness as the man scoops him up into his arms and runs out the door to meet the copter before the angry pyrokinetic can change her mind.
"See what Ah let ye talk me into?" Kat demands of Captain, who gives her the look that is the feline equivalent of a shrug.
"Blame me if you wish," he counters, "but we have a life to save. She'll never be safe in this realm."
Kat glowers, but she knows he's right. She looks around at her family, knowing she won't be able to take most of them with her on the flight. "We'll be back later tonight," she promises, "before daylight, an' we'll open yer gifts then."
"Says the woman who just said 'fuck Christmas'," Captain gently prods.
Kat glowers down at him. "Ye knae ye lot's th' only reason why Ah still do any o' these eejit holidays!"
"I know," Captain agrees, rubbing against her boots again, "and we thank you for it."
Kat rolls her eyes but returns her attention the others. "At any rate, y'all know what tae di if any other humans show up."
Laughter in various languages again resounds throughout the room. The gator strikes his tail happily against the floor. "Aye. Ye can eat any o' 'em, but ye can nae eat Ventura. He'd give ye indigestion, an' besides, when his ass goes down, it's mine. Be good, Pat." She looks at a lion basking in the glow of the Christmas tree lights and the same bear who had been the first to hear the approaching helicopter. "Keep them under control, Aslan, Bearfort."
The lion simply grunts his agreement, but the bear nods. In her own way, she tells Kat gently, You know we have this, Kat. Now go do what you need to do.
Kat nods and looks again at the other animals. "Behave," she reminds Pat again, reaching out and gently lifting the serpent from her curtain rod. He coils around her neck in gentle loops like an emerald necklace that's a little too big for her. Captain jumps to his perch on her right shoulder. The Lab moves to Kat's left side, and a tiger follows quickly on her black heels.
"Been a while, Kat," the pilot says a few minutes later as they board.
"Not long enough, Kelly."
"It's Reckless now."
"Hmph." Kat snorts. "Like ye ne'er were before."
"I miss those days -- " Ned starts to comment as Kat slips around behind him. Captain nods to the kangaroo in the back of the copter while Aisling squeezes herself in between Ace and Kat with a happy grin.
Ace is still staring at the pilot and Kat. "You two know each other?!" he asks in amazement. "And she let you live?"
Reckless laughs. "Only because her grandfather wouldn't let her kill me. It was a long time ago, back when we were kids."
"A lifetime ago," Kat murmurs. Captain purrs in her arms, and Sir Hiss rubs his cold cheek against hers. She gazes out the window rather than face either of the men.
Reckless glances at her reflection in the mirror as the tiger takes his seat. "Every Christmas," Ace says softly, "is a new beginning." The reindeer bleats as though agreeing with him.
"Nae, it's not," Kat snarled. "Now let's get this damn t'ing o'er wit'." She hears a commotion below them as Reckless lifts the bird back into the dark, night sky. Vehicles are pulling up to her house.
"I'm sorry," Ace starts to apologize, but Kat just snorts.
"Di nae waste yer breath apologizing' fer tha'," she tells him. "They're nothing." And indeed, in mere seconds, the humans and the vehicles in which they came are nothing but ashes drifting back to the earth.
"So . . . " Ace speaks again after a long moment, but Kat cuts him off.
"Din't. We're nae here fer small talk. We're here tae get a job done," she glances at the deer in his lap, "an' a life saved. Naething more."
"Yes, ma'am," he says wisely and obediently, and the whole helicopter and all its passengers remain silent for the rest of the trip.
Kat knows just where to lead the men to, and under her guidance, they're soon at the spot -- although Ace can't believe that this is where they're meant to meet Santa Claus. "This can't be it!" he says yet again.
"Ah've already told ye that it is," Kat snaps.
"But it can't be! And besides, how do you know where Santa Claus lives?"
"This is nae where he lives, but as close tae it as we can get! An' Ah knae 'cause . . . 'cause me grandfather was friends wit' th' ol' Saint . . . bastard."
"But . . . But it's only a freaking candy cane pole out here in the middle of nowhere!"
Reckless shakes his head. "I wouldn't argue with her, mate."
"But look at it! It's a giant, freaking candy cane out there in the middle of this damn blizzard, and that's it!"
"Aye," Kat remarks sarcastically, "Ah knae. There's no talkin' snowmen or houses made o' gingerbread."
"Precisely! It's just one damn candy cane!"
"An' Ah'm tellin' ye, this candy cane is exactly where we need tae be."
"I -- "
"HO! HO! HO!"
Ace's voice drops to a whisper. "Did you hear that?"
"Aye. Ah told ye this was th' spot. Now let's get oot there tae meet his jolly ass."
Slowly, they exit the copter. The tiger and kangaroo are the first ones to bound out followed quickly by Kat, muttering at the animals as he moves. "Ah told ye tae tae let me go first."
The kangaroo punches at icy but empty air, his paws faster than the warped blades of the helicopter that are still buzzing slightly. "Heh. Ah din't blame ye. Ah'd rather be fightin' than diin' this cacamas too, but this is where we're needed taenight."
Captain's easy and proud smile curves his furry lips. "Spoken like a true O'Hara," he whispers in her ear, rubbing her cheek with his.
Sir Hiss slithers further down into the collar of Kat's black trench coat. She makes a mental note to find somebody to make a sweater for the poor snake next year. Of all the talents she possesses, none of them are anything close to sewing.
"Why, Kat O'Hara, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Save it, Santa. I'm nae here fer ye."
"Aw, Kat. Would your grandfather approve of such language?"
"Does nae matter. Ye might remember he's dead."
Her words stop Ace cold in mid-descent. They sound full of anger, but he senses the sorrow beneath the anger in her now for the first time. Even the chattering monkey on his back seems to lose his excitement of seeing Santa Claus and falls silent as well. Slowly, the reindeer still in his arms, Ace turns to face Kat, but instead of her, his eyes fall on Santa Claus. The old man looks every bit as old and jolly as Ace has ever heard him described to be. For a moment, he wonders if his belly really does shake like a bowl full of jelly, but then Santa spies him and smiles.
"Thank you, Detective Ventura. You've brought my lost lamb home."
Santa reaches his arms out for the baby deer even as Rudolph, at the head of his sleigh, bleats. His nose shines brightly. The little deer in Ace's arms leaps from the human and flies through the falling snow to his father. They touch noses, and the beacon is the brightest light Kat, Ace, and their animal friends have ever seen.
"Santa -- "
Santa, Ace, and Kat look up to see Reckless approaching. "I just want to thank you," he says, removing the garbage can he uses for a helmet, "for taking care of our children."
"He does nae take care o' our children. He only takes care o' human children."
"He takes care of more than you know."
"And the animals have other guardians," Santa speaks in a jolly, calm, and deep voice. "Like you two and others of your kind."
"There's naebody else like me." Kat glances at Ace; their eyes meet for just a second before she glowers back at Santa. "Or him, which is probably a good t'ing."
"There are more than you think," Santa says and then touches his finger to the side of his nose and winks.
"Don't ye -- " Kat starts to growl, but the bright light that has been shining all these hours as they have waited in the freezing weather for Santa Claus' return now envelopes the old man. He soars up into the night and disappears with a final, "HO! HO! HO!"
"Bastard," Kat snarls.
"Where'd he go?" Ace asks.
Kat shrugs and turns back to the copter. "That's jest his way," she tries to explain, but Captain suddenly kneads her shoulder with urgency.
"Kat," Reckless calls and nods solemnly toward the sleigh when Kat looks at him. She follows his gaze and stops in her tracks at the sight of the Elf she sees looking back at her.
Her grandfather was a towering man full of sage wisdom, brute strength, fiery Irish determination, and a heart whose love knew no limits. He took her in without hesitation when her parents were killed in a car wreck when she was just a little girl. He loved her when no other human would even meet her gaze. And now, on this snowy Christmas Eve night scant minutes before dawn, she swears she finds herself looking back into his face.
But it isn't his face. He looks exactly like him, from his nose that's been reddened by too much cold or too much drink to his kind, kind eyes, but it isn't the same man. It isn't a man at all but an Elf who's short even by Elven standards.
"Kathleen O'Hara," he says in that same old voice that used to be so reassuring to Kat but now brings tears to her emerald eyes, "Ah miss ye, an' Ah love ye. Ah always will, an' we'll be together again one day."
"Grandpa -- " she starts to speak uncertainly.
Captain leaps from her shoulder with a meow that echoes across the still, snowy landscape and starts to pad toward the Elf. The Elf, like Santa before him, places his finger next to his nose and winks. "Next year, somebody else will get tae help him out an' look in on their loved ones, but this year, he's given us all a present. Take care o' her fer me, Captain. An' ye tae," he adds, looking at Ace.
And then the light wraps around him even as Captain and Kat both run forward. It engulfs him, and when the light vanishes, the old Elf, the reindeer, the sleigh, and the magical bag that makes every Christmas story including this one are all gone. Captain mews. A sob breaks free from Kat's throat. Ace and Reckless look at each other, then move forward in the snow toward them both.
"Din't," Kat snarls, swiping angrily at her tears with the back of her hand. "Din't ye dare feel sorry fer me." She spins and shoots a fireball at the magical candy cane, marking the very center of the North Pole. It explodes, and without a further word to any one, Kat lifts Captain into her arms and returns to the helicopter.
The tiger curls at her feet. Captain nuzzles his face into her trench coat. Aisling lays her head across her mistress' knee, and Sir Hiss cuddles closer to her neck. The kangaroo bounds aboard, but even he hangs his head as he takes his place behind Reckless' chair. When the men still hesitate, Kat hollers out at the Australian Robin Hood, "DO SOMETHIN' USEFUL FER A CHANGE, AN' GET US TH' FUCK BACK TAE WHERE WE BELONG!"
They make the flight back in silence even more solemn and heavier than the one in which they came. The engine sputters and dies as if by magic just as they land in Kat's yard. "I think I'm going to have to work on her this time," Reckless starts apologetically even as his kangaroo pal hops out and is met by old friends.
"Whate'er," Kat snaps as she climbs out. She casts one more glower back at Ace. "An' din't ye be callin' on me fer help again, Ventura. Ferget where I live. Ferget ye even knae me, or I'll light yer fire fer th' first time."
Ace almost lets her go. He almost does, but then just as she's reaching her porch, he scurries out of the helicopter and starts to run after her. "Kat -- " he calls.
She stops, hearing his voice, and turns slowly around to face him one more time tonight. She doesn't want to look at him. The sun is coming up. She's missed Christmas Eve with her babies, and all she really wants to do now is let them open their gifts while she loses her troubles in her spiked eggnog. She certainly doesn't want to look at any other human, let alone a scrawny slip of a man who keeps causing trouble for her.
"I just . . . " Ace is breathing hard by the time he jumps up behind her on the old, rickety porch. "I just wanted to say thank you."
"Fer what? Fer screwin' me Christmas even more?"
"No, but I . . . I do have a question." He shuts his eyes gulps, bracing himself against the fireball he expects to slam into his body. But the fire doesn't come -- at least, not yet. He reopens his eyes and dares to glance at her. "Why didn't you follow them?" he asks when he sees she hasn't yet formed a fireball.
"Because we can't gi where they went," she answers truthfully as a cold wind whips around them and the first rays of daylight hit her porch, which was once her grandfather's.
"Why not?" Ace asks in earnest curiosity.
"Because they're in Heaven," she whispers. Her hands curl into fists, her fingernails biting into her own palms, as her tears threaten to start again. "Santa Claus really is tha' Saint Nicholas from so long ago, but he only gets tae come down once a year. That's why man can't find 'im an' destroy 'im."
"Was that really your grandfather?" Ace asks softly.
"Ah . . . Ah din't knae," she answers honestly. "But spirits o' passed loved ones are chosen e'ery year tae help Santa an' be a part o' his team. Grandpa always said that was how Santa knew exactly th' right gifts tae give. Hmph." She snorts at her own self. "Now Ah sound like th' stupid one."
"Never," he whispers.
Her eyes flash through her unshed tears. "Din't ye gi feelin' sorry fer me, Ventura -- "
"I don't. I can't. I'm sorry you're hurting, -- " He continues quickly even as Kat begins forming a fireball, " -- but I can't feel sorry for you. You're amazing."
"What?" Kat asks in surprise.
"You're too amazing," Ace continues. "You're the most amazing, brave, and bad ass woman I've ever known. I can't feel sorry for you."
Kat stares at him. Ace braces himself, but the fire slips back into her palm with a soft, sizzling sound. The snake hisses in Kat's ear. Captain gently but pointedly kneads her shoulders. Spike chatters and holds a sprig of fake mistletoe above his human's head.
"What th' fuck?" Kat finally asks, causing Ace to frown in confusion, but after all they've been through tonight, all she's learned and been shown, Kat's reminded that it is Christmas after all. She also still has a slight buzz from all the eggnog she's drank trying to get through this bloody holiday, and she swears she can now hear bells, not realizing that they're being rung by the animals within her home.
She closes the distance between herself and Ventura in one smooth step. "Merry Christmas, nutcase," she snarls, reaching out to him. Her fingers curl in the collar of his Hawaiian shirt as she yanks him closer. Her lips slam up onto his. The bells ring louder as her tongue dives into his mouth and she yanks them both into her living room and kicks the door shut behind them. Ace hears bells all his own, but he can't holler his excitement. His tongue's too busy wrapping around hers.
But left out in the snow, Reckless does holler for them both. "YEAH!" He and the kangaroo high five each other, and millions and millions of miles above their heads, Angels sing as the beginnings of love are acknowledged at last.
The End
