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Pirates' Bad Day Out (Disney/Shrek XOver; Smook, Salem, Puss, Scat Cat, Gang; PG)
Author: Pirate Turner
Rating: PG
Summary: Captain James T. Hook and his beloved Smee venture onto land -- on Friday the 13th.
Warnings: Slash, Established Relationship, Crossover
Word Count: 1,709
Date Written: 17 May, 2011
Disclaimer: Captain James T. Hook, Mister Smee, Peter Pan, the Jolly Rogers, Salem Saberhagen, Scat Cat and his gang, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Aristocats are © & TM Disney and any other respective owners, none of whom are the author; are used without permission; and may not be used without permission. Puss in Boots and Shrek are © & TM DreamWorks and any other respective owners, none of whom are the author; are used without permission; and may not be used without permission. Everything else is © & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Captain James T. Hook ambled proudly down Main Street, his hook and the top of his gentleman's cane shining in the bright daylight. Beside him, his own, pudgy, little head also held high, trotted his beloved partner, and it was only Smee who knew that his Captain was on edge. James' eyes darted all across the road and the characters traveling it. He watched the shops and the windows on high. From time to time, as he waited for what he felt to be the inevitable, James' mustache twitched.
Smee pushed his glasses back up onto his round, red nose as he watched his beloved Captain with great concern in his prematurely aging eyes. His hands wrung together each time that his love's long, dark mustache twitched with unease. Part of him thought that he shouldn't have brought his Captain out with him today, but the rest of him was determined that he should show his love that there was nothing of which to be afraid.
This was a common trip for Smee, going into town to buy the month's supplies, but for James, it was much more than a mere shopping trip. Every dark corner presented the possibility of danger, and he skirted carefully around the few ladders they passed, determined not to be caught underneath their rungs today of all days. He had tried to first command, then bargain, and finally plea with Smee not to make him come today, but Smee had been determined, telling him the only way he'd buy this month's supplies would be if James accompanied him onto shore today. James had not wanted to go, but he had known that only his sweet, intelligent Smee had the smarts to pull off the trips with such good deals as he always wrought. Thus he had come, albeit not without complaint and with his proverbial tail tucked between his coat tails.
"Can't we just stop at one place and get done with it, Smee?" he asked, his mustache trembling. Something was coming. He knew it. He could feel its foreboding arrival in his veins, his blood, and even his stump! It was coming, and it would be upon them before they knew it or could possibly stand a chance of stopping it!
"Now, love," Smee chided gently, "if we're going to get the best deals, I've got to do the talking with every merchant. We've got to give them all a chance to outdo each other or -- "
A loud crashing came from directly behind them, and James screamed, "SSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" His mustache shook with such terror that it was a wonder it did not jump right off of his face and indeed would have in some of the lesser worlds. The moment the crash had sounded, James had jumped into the air, and now he hung tightly to his beloved Smee. It wasn't the ticking clock of the crocodile he dreaded meeting again with his every breath, but it was nonetheless a horror with which James, even with all his pride and knowledge, did not wish to contend. He grasped his beloved Smee tightly and held to him even as Smee turned with nonchalant bravery to face the scene of destruction.
"N-N-Now, C-C-Ca-Cap-Capt'n," Smee reassured him, "l-look th-there. It . . . It's just a -- a mi-mirror, is all."
James' mustache nearly jumped off of his long and worried face for the second time already that day. As Smee tried to reassure him, James tried to clamber further up his much shorter body. "Seven years bad luck!" James cried. "I told you we shouldn't come today!"
"Y-Y-Yes," Smee admitted, bobbing his head in a nod. "B-B-But th-that bad luck's only for the . . . the one who . . . who broke it, s-sir, C-C-Capt'n."
James eyed the mirror, the woman crying over it, and the two burly movers who had dropped it before peering suspiciously at his love, "Are you completely certain, Smee?"
Smee gazed steadily back into his beloved's eyes. "Absolutely," he told him, forcing his stammers to quit and the tremors passing through his body to still. He wasn't really frightened, he told himself; he was just surprised. There was nothing to be afraid of today, or at least nothing more than normal. All the superstitions about Friday the 13th were just that -- superstitions --, and he was more than well educated enough to know better than to believe in such.
"N-Now, w-won't you get down and hold my hand while we go get a bite to eat?" He gave his love his sweetest, most encouraging smile.
"Of . . . " James shook his head as his own voice stuttered. He got down off of Smee, stood erect once more, straightened his collar, patted down his clothes and hair, and finally took his beloved partner's hand. "Of course I will be proud to join you for lunch, Smee."
Smee smiled happily. Pride surged through him not only that his love was being open with their relationship in this small town but also that he had managed to calm his Captain's fears. His fingers entwined with James', and they had just started off when James screamed and jumped into Smee's arms once more. His frantic fingers clawed at his pudgy face as he tried to climb further up his body with such might that Smee could not even see what had frightened his love so this time. "What is it?" he questioned, his concern almost undone by his growing frustration.
"Black . . . " James cried, his mustache trembling as though caught in gale winds. "Black cat! Do something about him, Smee!" he screamed. "He's crossing our path!"
Up ahead of them by just a few feet, the cat in question stopped with his paw lifted daintily above the cobblestone walkway. His emerald eyes pierced the two frightened Pirates, and the arch above his eyes rose at the way they carried on. Friday the 13th did silly things to people, the great and legendary Salem Saberhagen remarked to himself, and it did even sillier things to people who were already silly and crazy. He'd only heard tale of the two bumbling Pirates before him, but one look told him that they must assuredly be of both the latter criteria.
"What . . . What do you want me to do?" Smee asked his Captain.
"I don't know!" James exclaimed, his tall, lean body shaking from head to foot. All his jet black hairs stood out on end, and those watching his long, terrified face wondered how on Earth his mustache stayed on. "Shoot him! Do something!"
"James," Smee cried, clearly dismayed, "you don't mean that!" He knew his love would never intentionally harm any animal other than fish, crocodiles, and bugs, but his beloved Captain was so far gone out of his wits that he knew not what he was saying! Smee grabbed James' gun, peered around his trembling love, and fired a couple of shots. His hand shook, but he kept his aim steady enough that he managed, entirely on purpose, not to hit the poor, unfortunate cat but only strike the stones around him.
Salem's fur fluffed out, and he hissed. "HOW DARE YOU SHOOT AT ME! I AM THE GREAT SALEM SABERHAGEN!"
James' piercing scream echoed throughout the stalls. It was followed by the screams of women who also ran, terrified, from the talking, black cat. Smee waved the gun at the cat. "Just . . . Just move on," he told him.
"I SHALL DO NO SUCH THING! I HAVE COME HERE TODAY TO CONDUCT BUSINESS, AND I SHALL NOT BE BOTHERED BY THE LIKES OF YOU CRETINS!"
"Indeed," a deep, richly accented voice purred, "you shall not." James yelled his fright again as Smee turned them to look in the direction of the new voice. He saw a orange cat standing on two legs and clothed in a feathered cap, a black cape, and high boots. He watched through big, round eyes as the orange cat did a little tap dancing maneuver on the canopy upon which he stood before drawing his sword. The cat swept his blade through the air, purrfectly making the mark of P in the empty air as he declared, "So I, Puss in Boots, decree!"
Smee's hands shook. This was amongst the strangest things he and his beloved Captain had encountered yet! He waved James' pistol through the air. "Go away from here! Scat, cats!"
"Get him, cats," another deep, dark voice commanded from the shadows.
Puss grasped a rope and swept through the alley. He made a purrfect landing before Salem's surprised, green eyes and performed a gallant bow. "Puss in Boots," he purred, "at your service," but he had no time to follow up with his original offer as a gang of alley cats charged from the shadows and jumped the Pirates. Smee dropped James' gun as they yelled underneath the onslaught of scratching claws and biting teeth, and the pistol slid harmlessly away from them all before stopping underneath a far cart.
Puss grinned as he watched Scat Cat and his gang tear into the Pirates who had been foolish enough to raise a gun against Salem before placing his feathered cap back onto his proud head and turning to Salem with a debonair smile. "Purrhaps there is something else I can do for you?" he suggested, his long, orange tail swishing through the cool Spring air.
Salem grinned mischievously from one pointed, furry ear to the next. "I'm sure I know just the thing," he purred, taking Puss' hand and drawing him into the shadows and his waiting arms. The two toms purred as they slowly began to kiss, reveling in each other's delicious, heavy scents and seductive caresses. Their tails entwined as they kissed and shared a thought. Most humans were so silly about Friday the 13th. They believed it to be harmful and that it brought bad things, but both feline warriors knew the truth. Friday the 13th was indeed a day to celebrate for it always brought good things to them, and they rejoiced in that latest good thing -- each other -- as the day grew on in all its Supernatural delight!