Real Life

[katleept]

A part of me doesn't want to mention this, doesn't want to talk to any one about it, doesn't want to voice it or write it down or even think about it -- but yet I can't stop thinking about it.

And I kinda do want to get back to using LJ as a journal, on top of the cookbook, photo albums for our beloved kids, fan fic archive and inspirational joint that it already serves as, and I also kinda want to make note of this date somewhere.

The love of my life, the one man who is my world, my universe, my galaxy, practically everything good to me, except for God and our kids, fell again today. He was a minor fall, especially compared to when he fell out of the trailer door to the ground. He wasn't hurt really badly. But this is his fifth fall in less than a year.

Something more has to be going on. No one falls that frequently without there being a cause. And I was finally forced to accept yesterday that he really is having some kind of brain trouble, too. He's told me several times now he thinks he's getting Alzheimer's, but my love has always believed himself mentally unstable and not the brightest tool in the shed.

But last night, after we argued because he broke his word to me yet again (on Valentine's Day no less! :-( )and I came home to find our darling kids with no food (he claimed they'd just ran out) and without having their new flea meds (any one else ever hear of diatomaceous earth?) applied, which was where his breaking his word again came in at, we had some late night rambling talks. My poor baby's mind is so confused. We've been in two wrecks together -- both caused by the other driver -- and he thought the one that happened a few years ago was the one where they had to cut us out of our car with the Jaws of Life -- it wasn't -- that's the one that happened over ten years ago whereas we walked away, with later pain coming on and staying for far too long (I still have trouble from it), from the more recent one.

Most of the time, when he breaks his word to me, it's because he's either doing something he promised me he wouldn't do or not doing something he promised me he would and he forgot that he'd made the promise. Day before yesterday, we took him to his doctor back in Florida, and that was when we learned how messed up my poor darling's back is again. He's been having serious pain and trouble since the fall in June. Doc confirmed that his back is a mess -- loads of arthritis, something else that my brain is too tired and upset to think of the term for -- but NOT cancerous -- DO NOT even go there! -- and a fracture. We don't know how far the fracture runs yet; he's to be scheduled for a mri, which'll take at least three weeks before we can get one. But on that day, my poor heart had had only an hour's worth of sleep and asked me about nine times what I was working the next day. At the time, I dismissed it as being due to lack of sleep, but now, I can't help wondering.

How bad is his brain? Is he really getting Alzheimer's? Could this have to do with all of his falls? I want to talk to his doctor about it, but my beloved wants to wait for the mri. Even so, if it is, there's only so much any amount of medicine can do for alzheimer's. I'm terrified! I can't lose him! He is my reason for living, my hero, my truly better half, the one who makes me whole! Without him, I am nothing but a shell of misery with no reason to exist, let alone live or breathe! I can NOT lose him, and yet, if he loses his mind, even if I've still got his body, my darling will still be taken from me! All I can do, for now, is pray . . . and cry . . . and pray some more . . .

Sorry for rambling, but you didn't have to read this whole thing if you didn't want to.

Comments

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

One step at a time. First, see what the doctors say. Then you can let yourself worry about what you know instead of what you don't know.:/

[katleept.livejournal.com]

That's true, but I'm sure you know, too, that sometimes it's hard to do. Especially when we have to wait for the MRI to get the memory issue addressed, but I've already told my beloved, point blank, that when we do see his doctor again, if he doesn't mention it, I will.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

Caring for other human beings is an enormity. As long as there's love in the mix, it's doable, even when you have to be the one to keep track of every detail. Anticipation is never easy, but at least you can keep little notes detailing incidents and share them with the doctor(s) when the time is right. Sometimes, that's all we can do, you know? But every observation helps.

[katleept.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[bbmcowgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear he's been having falls. Has he been to the Dr.? It is hard to talk about it, I know. But it does sound like you need to, just to keep yourself sane & calm. Keep the faith & be strong.

[katleept.livejournal.com]

He has been to the doctor, but the memory issue was not addressed yet -- I didn't realize, at the time, that it was as bad as it sometimes is. He's got to have an mri next, to detail the extent of the fracture in my poor darling's back, and then we'll be returning to his doctor. I've already told him that, when we do go back, if he doesn't bring up the memory issue, I will. We can't afford to let too much time go by, I fear, before it is accurately addressed.