Still

Aug. 23rd, 2015 06:19 am
katleept: (KittyHeed)
[personal profile] katleept
Title: Still
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: X-Men
Character/Pairing: Kitty/Ororo
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge/Prompt: [livejournal.com profile] femslashbb: Foreign
Warning(s): Underage Pairing
Timeline: Takes place shortly after Excalibur learn that the X-Men are still alive -- Yup, that long ago! :-)
Word Count: 1,495
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Marvel Comics and Disney, not the author, and are used without permission.



I stand on a foreign shore, my heart still crying out your name. I thought it would be easier here, a world away from you and from New York where we first met and all our favorite places. I thought it would be easier when I learned you're still alive. But I was wrong. If anything, it hurts more.

I've been reminded of you at every turn. Every time a breeze caresses my face, every time a drop of rain lands on my skin, every time the moon shines down upon me, I'm reminded of you, Ororo, but now, it's more than just your presence that fills my mind. How could you do this? How could you do this to me? How could you do it to us?

You were always there for me until you weren't. You said we couldn't be more than friends, that it wasn't right. Our difference in ages always bothered you, but it never did me. You're so beautiful, so wise, so compassionate. And as I used to try to explain to you, I have to be with some one older. You know how advanced I am for my age. The boys -- and girls -- my age do nothing for me.

I thought I was in love with Piotr, but I was wrong. I'm not wrong about my love for you. And I know you love me, too. I used to be able to tell it in your every touch, in the way your breezes combed through my air, in the way you cupped my cheek, even in the way you spoke to me. There was a world of love every time your eyes looked into mine, even if you wouldn't voice it. I knew you felt it.

I still do, but I have to wonder if you do. What happened, Ororo? What could possibly have been awful enough that you and the others ran away from us? How could you leave us behind like you did? How could you make us all think you were dead and let us grieve for you? And then you just suddenly show up on the news without ever bothering to call or write. It's not like Excalibur's exactly a secret. You could have found me easily if you wanted to. You still could.

But you don't. You don't want to find me. You don't want to be around me. You don't want to love me. It's all I can conclude from all of this. But what about Wolvy? I thought I meant more to him than that.

I thought I meant more to both of you. How could you do this? It's a question I ask myself many times every day and night. You're the first thing on my mind when I wake in the mornings, and at the end of the evening, I'm still asking myself how you could do it. You said you love me like a mother, like a sister . . . Even a friend wouldn't do this!

But you did. You let me, Kurt, and Rachel -- all of us -- cry and grieve for you as though you were truly dead. You let us all think you were dead. Every one of you. You ended our worlds, our lives, as we knew them. I wanted to join you, you know. I believed almost every one I loved was dead, and I wanted so badly to join you. Kurt and Rachel both stopped me more than once from joining you.

When I was incorporeal, all I wanted to do was to be able to touch some one again and to be touched in return. Now I almost wish I was a ghost. Maybe I wouldn't hurt as much then. And it's all your fault.

I always thought you were so compassionate and understanding, Ororo. I always thought you had the biggest heart I've ever known, but how can you when you've hurt us all so badly? How could any of you have done this? I wouldn't have even thought Rogue could hurt us so badly. But I was wrong. It seems I'm wrong about every one, even you.

Especially you. You're not at all the woman I thought you were. She is dead, I suppose, but then again, she never really existed. You always said I have a very creative imagination. I guess you knew just how creative, huh, since I was able to imagine a whole you that didn't even exist. She couldn't have existed, because if she had, she never would have done this.

She never would have betrayed her family, her friends, her supposed best friend. She never would have ran away from the world and let us all believe she was dead. She never would have hurt us like that. And if she'd had any possible reason for doing so, if maybe she had faked her death and those of her friends to protect the rest of her family from some terrible monster or something, when the news announced that she was still alive, the first thing she would have done was to come find the rest of her family and explain everything to us all, tell us why she faked her death, apologize for hurting us . . . for hurting me.

But you haven't come. Enough time has passed since that newscast that I've finally come to realize that you're not coming. You're not coming for Kurt, who you once called your little brother. You're not coming for Rachel. And you're especially not coming for me.

Damn you, Ororo! How could you?! How could you leave me like this?! How could you let me think you were all dead for so long?! What happened to you? What happened to the woman I fell in love with, the woman I still love?

I wish I could stop thinking about you. I wish I could move on with my life. Kurt and Ray both seem to have done so, but I can't do it. You meant too much to me. You all did, but especially you. I tried back then. I try still every day. But I can't shake you.

Now I finally understand why Wolvy's past bothers him so much. He once told me it's everywhere he goes. You are everywhere I go. I see your gentle, smiling face in every flower. I feel your caress in every breeze and drop of rain. I hear your cry in every rumble of thunder.

It's thundering now, and all I can think is of you. You're all I can ever think for very long of a time, and yet I still have no more answers than I did when I first learned you're still alive. I still don't understand. I never will, and I'll never forgive you. I hope you know that, Ororo, wherever you are down in damn Australia.

I'll never forgive you. I can't. You've hurt me too badly, and even though all I want to do is to run into your arms and embrace you again, I can never forgive me. You can come and tell me your story, but I still won't forgive you. There's nothing that can explain this, nothing that can make it forgivable. You did more than hurt me, Ororo. When I thought you were dead, all I wanted to do was die with you, and I can't forgive you for that.

Still, I'd do anything to hear your voice again, anything to feel your hand on my cheek again, anything to see in person your regal, sweet smile. The weatherman said there'd be no rain again, but this is Scotland. It always rains here. I'd kinda like to think that maybe the rain falling down on me is your tears, that you're making it rain because you're crying because you're sad and sorry you hurt me.

But still, I can't forgive you. I won't forgive you, not that you'll ever bother to come and ask for my forgiveness any way. I don't matter to you. You made that clear when you lied to me, when you betrayed me, betrayed us all, and you make it ever more clear with every day that passes without you showing up. You know where I'm at. You could come to me if you really wanted to. All of you could. You could come and get me and Kurt and Rachel and bring us home, take us back with you to Australia or America or wherever.

But you don't. And you won't. Because you just don't care. You don't care about me, and yet no matter what I do, I still love you. I still care about you. I still want you back in my life, beside me, in my arms if you'd let yourself be. I still love you. I still miss you, and rain or shine, I still feel you everywhere -- everywhere but beside me where you belong.

The End

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